Discussing about the rules of engagement

Never realized the day would come for me to have a set of rules of engagement in the course of my marriage. I always see it as a form of legalism which marriage and love should be able to conquer.

Nonetheless, imperfect as we are, selfish as our hearts would be, we have no choice but to discuss and came to this conclusion; In order to allow and help each other to be better communicators and partners, we need to have some set of rules to allow for vulnerability..

And so we set some of ours:
1) when one talk to share our feelings, just listen and don't try to defend.
2) when we want to speak, we ask if it's ok for us to speak.

Understanding conflicts in communication

Learnt about whenever there are conflicts and problems, we need to first identify whether:

1. Is it a communication problem?
2. Is it a character issue reflected by historical evidences? In short, does similar thing like this happen before?
3. Does it happen a lot?

Key:
1. Learn to bring things up without creating or initiating conflicts.
2. Give space for growth. I think the only way we can learn to improve communication would be to make small and short mistakes for growth.

The difference of identity and self-image

I learnt the difference between identity and self image today.

Self image is a self-given view of myself that is shaped by the things around me. Meaning, if I grew up fat, careless, lazy, and the world sees me and puts me down in that way, i will have those self image characteristics. Self image is easy to build up, and easy to be identified. Self image can also be destructive!

Identity on the other-hand is a god given status of my life. Some eg. I am a child of God. I am a
Man. I am loved by God. I am jesus's disciple. I am a leader at home and at work. I am the son at my parents house. Identity is the image which God has entrusted us with and would like us to project to live life the way He intended me to be.
Eg, If I am a child of God, God loves me very-very much. Since i am a leader at work and church, I am given the ability to inspire and encourage.

Our identities would be supplemented with talents a.k.a. Resources like time, money, relationships. Identities also comes with natural gifting, and anointment. Gifting such as natural abilities to do something extra ordinary that will suit and fill what we are suppose to be doing. Anointment covers the part where God will bless and empower us in the place we are living the identity and using those talents and gifting.

In my life, I realized that my identity as a child of God, blessed with wonderful relationships, gifted with computers and teaching, sometimes makes me wonder what in the world am I doing in Singapore. Nonetheless, I believe that everything has their time and place, plus, I always believe that we simply need be prepared. God will direct the paths.

Realizing That People Do/Give/Work for a reason to benefit self.

I work for money.
I go to church for a relationship with God and people, plus, I am afraid to go to hell.
I get married for companionship and love. Because I don't want to be all alone and I long for a family to go home to.
I blog to remember and reinforce what I learn. Because I oft forget.
I mentor youths to improve my parenting/mentoring skills and gain greater sense of purpose with my life.
I serve in the Audio/Visual team at church because I am blessed with a gift and to contribute in the community, I serve.
I tithe because I fear God.
I teach voluntarily because I hope to use this experience to improve myself - confidence, presentation, organization, and teaching.

See. In every possible good things, there is a reason. In a way, people will not do things if the reason they do it, doesn't benefit them. I just thought and discussed with Wife about it. I realized how difficult it is to be a co-ordinator for volunteers in an organization because it's difficult to formalize a carrot of possibly 'non-tangible' benefits. How can one measure 'satisfaction', 'gratitude', and 'charity' to one's appetite?

How to vote for the coming election

Singapore is very hyped up today as the nation gathers in different polling stations to vote for their respective member of the parliament representatives. Many are saying that the non-ruling parties ae forming an opposition against the ruling party and are gathering power to change the political landscape of this nation.

I am a supporter of order and control. In fact, I always believe that when creating something great, order and control are necessary components to kick start and maintain growth in the early stages of organizational developments.

Having said that, I do feel that the current government may have gone overboard with some decision making policies. While it's true that there is evident peace and prosperity in the outlook of Singapore, the general population harbor a sentient of disdain and dissatisfaction.

As a believer of decentralized leadership, I must say that having more non-ruling party members in the parliament always serves as a good reminder that we, as humans, simply need reminder. Especially when great power brings great responsibility.

So how do I vote? Not that I had to anyway...
A lot of people were fearful that voting against the ruling party, or afraid to lose out in the next upgrading projects for the area they live in, or even the fear of being black-marked from national benefits.. For me, given chance, would follow these set of principles:

1) by making this vote, am I making it for my personal well being and benefits, or the benefits of the nation?
2) since the past election or the party rule, how has the society improved? Meaning: how has the life quality of a common man improved?
3) what were the common topics the parties brought up? Are they relevant to the society and does it come with solutions..
4) what is the character of the candidates am
I voting for.. Simply put, why should i vote for you...

I think these 4 principles or reflective question has helped me in making some really practical choices. I really hope and look forward to a better nation. Not that it's not good enough, but it definitely can be better in the way we live our supposedly happy and content life..

Lessons on vulnerability.. Part 1?

I had a tiff with The Wife last weekend. Err maybe the weekend before. Doesn't matter. It's over. The tiff I mean..

We went to a nearby video store to rent a DVD to spend the evening with. I had something in mind I want to watch, and so did she. However, we were quite diplomatic in the way we put it across that we ended up not understanding each other expectations.

J: shall we watch DVD?
A: sure! Lets rent one.
J: hmm there are quite a lot of good shows recently. Shall we try some of these..
A: shall we get a more light-hearted show?
J: how about the new shaolin movie
(no answer, flip-flip-flip DVD album)
A: any funny shows? Comedy?
J: ok... How about this? (flip to one show)
A: how about this instead? Do you think it'll be nice?
J: am not sure. I guess no harm trying..

You get what I mean... It's a series of undercurrents that are pulling each other apart for the fear of being disappointed... The truth is, we were disappointed. At least I was. I was not happy for the start.

Well it ended well when i talked to my wife about the matter eventually. Nonetheless, it's a problem of insecurity and possibly lack of trust that we have to deal with I guess...

Learning about 'the not so important things': about tickles

Learnt today the usefulness about being tickled. There are 2 kinds of tickle. 1, the subtle one and 2, the forceful one.

And tickle can only happen with foreign objects touching our body, plus only when we aren't alerted.

This idea of being tickled happens from the days of Aristotle and many have asked the questions why but till today, there is no valid scientific explanation on why we laugh when we get tickled.

Now, rodents too also can get tickled! Mice, guinea pigs and rats. The other group of animals would also be the chimps and gorillas.

We naturally laugh when a forceful tickle is executed. However, too much of it will cause irritation.

Now... Why am I learning this and posting it on my blog??
I went on a hangout last weekend.. And i realized how lacking of topics i had for small talks! So I decided it's time to brush up general knowledge and try to relax and not talk about serious stuff all the time..